Gay and Lesbian Humanist

Spring 2005


Health officials have issued new warnings about the current pandemic of Pope Flu, urging people to get immunised as soon as possible.

A World Health Organization spokeswoman said symptoms included dribbling, croaking, developing a hole in the throat and, in extreme cases, dying.

Added to these are a tendency to kneel down and talk to imaginary entities, a desire to tell one’s intimate secrets to an unseen man in a box through a small partition, a liking for human flesh in the form of small wafers and blood drunk from a chalice, and aversions to the following: (a) small rubber balloons, (b) people who dare to express love for one another without having had mumbo-jumbo spoken over them by a man in a frock and (c) women’s choices on matters concerning their own bodies.

The WHO spokeswoman added that victims also develop delusions about the mechanics of the cosmos and an abnormal preoccupation with dead people known as “saints”.

There is no known cure for the illness, although some people have reported miracles after they have simply allowed themselves to think rational thoughts.

The source of the current outbreak is thought to be Mr Karol Wojtyla (84), a pope, of Vatican City, Rome, Italy, who, died of the disease in April.

Mr Wojtyla succumbed to the illness on 2 April. However, it is not thought that there will be any sudden cure for the outbreak of Pope Flu, whoever dons the Persil-white dress and funny little hat and waves to people in a big square.

Possible favourites are Cardinal Francis Arinje from Nigeria; Cardinal Carlo Maria Martini, an Italian; Cardinal Giacomo Biffi, the Archbishop of Bologna; and Cardinal Joseph Ratzinger, who heads the Inquisition, with its noble legacy of racks, thumbscrews and branding irons.

The last of these has a fan club. Infidel kids you not. You can buy T-shirts, sweatshirts and mugs from the website. (Or did it say that visitors were mugs? It is so easy to forget these things.)

Meanwhile, Infidel is pleased to note that, having been suddenly taken ill in February, British humanism’s very own godfather, Don Georgiano Broadheadini di Kenilworthoni, is making a fine recovery after leaving hospital, where – cheered by thousands of pilgrims – he had been able to make a brief appearance at the open window of his hospital room to empty his bedpan.

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Created : Sunday, 2005-06-05 / Last updated : Wednesday, 2007-12-12
Brett Humphreys :